Four crappy things about summer

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It’s not officially summertime, but it might as well be. Days that require wearing skirts with tights are becoming few and far between. Chalkboard signs are popping up at every major intersection, reading, “Patio? Need I say more?” And, we can finally say goodbye to wooly winter jackets and hello to floral cardigans, trendy jean jackets and lace cover ups that look great, but itch like crazy.

Welcome to June: A month filled with awesomeness. Besides freshly planted gardens, brand new bikes, bright nail polish colours, flip flop tan lines and sunscreen infused chap stick, with the warm weather also come the following four horrendous experiences, to which I better not be the only one who can relate.

1. Thigh rash: Ladies, you know when you just cannot fathom the idea of a tampon, so you wear a pad with your period underwear and then shlep on your fat pants (the pants that have always sagged a little more than your others and are super comfortable when your uterus is shedding), but are then left with the awful irritation on your bottom from the pad rubbing against your underwear, rubbing between your legs and spreading so fast you’d need a truckload of Vaseline to make any impact? Thigh rash is kind of like that, except it’s a result of wearing shorts for the first time and having sweat, fabric from the shorts and skin (in my case, lovable chub) colliding with each step. It kills. Aloe vera. Stat.

2. Upper lip sweat: Now, not only do I have to be cautious of the hairs that sprout between my nose and my top lip, but I also have to be weary of the beads of sweat that will form regardless of breeze conditions. Upper lip sweat is something the person you don’t know but take the elevator with every morning to the office will notice. They may be asking you how your weekend was, casually, because awkward elevator silence is somewhat unbearable. When you begin to answer, saying something like, “It was wonderful. I caught up with friends over sangria. How was yours?” (really meaning, “It was okay. I just watched cat videos and drafted a blog post while wearing no bra under my favourite baggy concert t-shirt”), their eyes will shift and hover right under your nostrils and in a moment of brief panic, you rub your lips together pretending to mix in your lipstick, hoping that the person hasn’t noticed that you keep forgetting to trim your nose hairs and that the beads of sweat mesh together and become less obvious.

3. Knee and ankle hairs, the ones you thought you got: Shaving my legs is a task in itself, suitable for a post all on its own, but once I’ve mustered up the courage to glide an overpriced Venus razor up and down my calves and thighs, I’m usually feeling pretty fly. That’s until I sit down at my desk and look down: Not only am I so pasty white that I’m pink, but my ankles and knees are covered in thick, long brown hairs. If anyone notices, I’ll probably just shrug and say the classic, “Oops, I missed a spot,” while secretly holding in tears as I remember the awkward pre-pubescent phase where some of my friends shaved and I hadn’t gotten that far yet. Mom?

4. Stinky feet because of closed-toed flats: The idea of fake (or real) Toms sounds heavenly, especially when paired with light wash jeans, a white v-neck t-shirt and a big, chunky belt. Then, it happens. You’re wearing this outfit on casual Friday and are invited to a coworker’s after work for dinner and drinks with your team to celebrate the weekend. Immediately, your mind wanders to what you packed in your bag earlier that morning, confirming that no, you most definitely did not grab a pair of socks to cover up the sweaty feet stench that will emerge once your cloth flats, which have absolutely zero breathing room, come off. It’s one of those smells that wafts slowly to nose-level as time progresses. Do you go to dinner and become the person with stanky feet? Or, do you pass because you would like to have good hygiene a part of your reputation and just pretend to have a hot date?

Regardless of how unconfident I may seem when profusely sweating under my moustache, most of the time, I try to own these situations when they happen, because, really, what else can I do? Cry because my feet stink? Whine because hair grows on my legs? We’re human. We’re not manikins. We need showers, tweezers and tender loving care, sometimes.

Happy summer. Don’t forget your shades, hat and sunscreen.

(P.S. Photos by yours truly).

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